Lost and Insecure, now she's gone
by Kisses.in.the.dark95
Summary: Rachel isn't as strong as she looks, she hurts just like anyone else. What happens when every thing becomes too much what will she do. Who will be the one that's there to save her? Will anyone care or feel guilty or will she be left alone again? Mentions cutting and suicide please Read and Review. Sort of AU not sure what season it's set in.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys here's a new story from me I'm not sure how long it will be but enjoy **** beware though it is really dark review and let me know if you like it or not review favorite whatever just let me know, love lots KissesInTheDark95 xx**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Glee at all if I did some things would have been different but I guess everyone feels that way.**

They all call me names, none of them stick up for me, none of the think to stop for a minute or that the names actually hurt. That's a lie. Noah, sorry PUCK cares. He stopped calling me names and bulling me. Mr Schue says we're a family and that we stand up for one another. I guess by everyone that doesn't include me because he just stands by and watches as they bully me and tear me down. They're words hurt, they're actions leave me in tears. I don't show how broken I am. They don't know that I cut myself, if they did they'd be so much worse. They don't know that I don't eat or that I binge and purge, if they did they'd make it worse. They don't know anything about me besides what I let them. Noah is the only one who truly knows me but he'd never say anything in front of the school population in fear of losing his bad boy rep.

I've been cutting myself for three years now but lately I'm finding it hard to stop. I've had to change my "style", instead of short skirts I wear jeans. I can't risk my skirt blowing up and people seeing what I'm hiding. The sweater cover everything so I can keep them. It's not the normal straight scars I'm hiding. Mine are meaningful. Every name I've been called; _Miss Bossy Pants, Diva, Yentl, Boy Hips, RuPaul, Man Hands, Treasure Trail, Stubbles, That Thing, Dwarf, Midget, Hobbit, Big Nose, Loser, Fat _and_ Nobody likes you,_ have been engraved onto me. Over my heart just above my chest is _Hot American Jewish Princess_. I don't eat anymore until I'm on the verge of passing out and then I binge and purge. I want to be skinny like Quinn, maybe people would like me more but in Santana's words no one likes me, except Noah, sort of.

At school the Jocks and Cheerios' push me into the lockers leaving bruises all over me. Today at school it got bad, Karofsky and Azamio pushed me face first into the lockers and my big noes broke the impact, two black eyes forming instantly. I can never escape it. I went and applied some makeup to cover it up and went to all my classes. Finally glee came around. I walked in and sat at the back. I was the first one in and I zoned out, I was 30 minutes early because I didn't take a break to get food before Glee started, I didn't notice Noah walked in I was lost in thought.

I only notice when he was right in front of me holding my hands. "Rach… Babe? Are you ok?" He asked me bringing me out of dream land, I'm so exhausted from everything.

I just nod to him as an answer, scared that if I open my big fat mouth I'll tell him everything.

"Babe you can tell me anything. You look exhausted, frail and you're wearing too much makeup."

"I know Noah," I say squeezing his hands, "It'll all be better soon."

"If you're sure Rach." He said sitting next to me pulling my head into his lap so I could get some rest. I lied like that till the rest of the club walked in.

"You're really scraping to the bottom of the barrel Puck, getting Man Hands to suck you off." Santana quipped as she walked in. I immediately pushed up out of Noah's lap and moved to the corner of the room. Noah looked hurt but went over and whispered something that made her scowl and shoot daggers at me.

Mr Schue walked in "Who wants to get up here and sing something for us?" Noah raised his hand and walked up.

He looked right into my eyes and said "I mean every word." He sung _Pinks Fucking Perfect_ not taking his eyes off of me. Maybe he figured it out. I mean maybe he knows. He can't know. Everyone was clapping at the end of his song and Mr Schue asked who was next and I raised my hand and walked up.

"Treasure Trails is going to sing, what a shocker!" Santana said.

"RuPaul face it Finn doesn't want you, stop trying to steal my boyfriend." Quinn said angrily.

"She's probably going to have a Diva fit." Kurt stage whispered.

"Or bitch us out." Mercedes piped up.

"Enough!" Someone yelled. No it wasn't Mr Schue, why would he care, I'm not Quinn. "Let her sing." Noah finished.

I sung _Outside Looking In _by _Jordan Purit._

Every one of them stared at me.

"Rachel, are you ok?" Mr Schue asked, it was then that I realized I was crying, not just a few tears but a steady stream that wouldn't stop. I nodded and ran from the room hearing multiple voices calling me back.

I ran to the Auditorium. I sat on the stage and sand my feelings carefully, singing softly so no one could hear. I thought of the perfect song. I sang _Demi Lovato's _song _Believe In Me_.

I looked up and saw the whole glee club standing there. Noah pulled me up and hugged me. "It'll be ok Rach." He said hugging me tightly, I just shook my head.

"Can't you see that Yentl is just crying for attention?" Quinn all but yelled. Noah released me to talk to Quinn and I slipped out. I knew what I was going to do now, call it selfish but I can't live like this anymore. I ran to my car and drove home. My father's weren't home they never were. I wrote a suicide note for everyone to read.

_I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to do this anymore. I can't go on living like it doesn't hurt when every word just tears me down more. None of you noticed my style change to cover my scars or the makeup to hide bruises from the Jocks and Cheerios. I'm sorry, I don't know what I did to hurt you all and to make you hate me. I tried to change but I couldn't. It'd be easier if I'm gone right?_

And I wrote one to Noah specifically.

_Noah, I'm so incredibly sorry I didn't tell you any of this I was scared. This was the only thing I could control. Maybe one day you'll forgive me, but this is the only way for me. I haven't eaten in three months and when I did I would binge and purge, I thought maybe if I was skinny like Quinn you'd love me back. Yes I love you Noah. I always have but I knew you'd never like me so I didn't say anything. I'm sorry to leave you like this but know that this is the happiest I have been since that time I dated you and when we used to just hang out. I love you Noah Puckerman._

_P.S Please don't blame anyone, none of you had any idea._

I put them in envelopes and sat them on the sink. I ran the bath and got undressed leaving my bra and underwear on. I go to my secret drawer and pulled out the razor blade and sat on the edge of the bath with my phone. I got into the bath and sat down. I took the razor to my left arm and cut down my arm. I then moved to my right arm and made several cuts across that arm. I dialed Noah's number on my phone as I felt myself slipping away. I know he won't answer that's why I'm calling, so he can always have my voice with him. As I was talking, telling him that I loved him and not to blame himself, I was becoming quieter and dizzier, next thing I knew my phone dropped into the bath and my body slowly followed.

**I do know that there will be at least another chapter after that I'm not sure xx**


	2. Waking up to people you don't want to se

**Wow thank you everyone for your reviews everyone I really appreciate it **** love KissesInTheDark95**

**Disclaimer: I don't own glee **

_Previously: As I was talking, telling him that I loved him and not to blame himself, I was becoming quieter and dizzier, next thing I knew my phone dropped into the bath and my body slowly followed._

NOAH'S P.O.V

"How dare you say that?" I yelled at Quinn, "How dare any of you say anything? None of you know her!"

"And you do? Please, you just want to get in her pants." Santana yelled.

"Yeah I know her…" I was cut off by Mr Schue.

"Where did Rachel go?" Mr Schue asked.

"Fuck!" I had a pretty good idea where she was. I ran to my car and drove straight to her house getting every stop light on the way there. The trip to her house was usually 15 minutes, so far I've been driving for 10 minutes and I'm not even half way there. My phone started ringing, I let it ring out, I'd check it at the next light. Once I pulled up at the light I grabbed my phone, Rachel called! She left a voice mail message.

"Hey Noah, I'm sorry. I love you! I love you so much that it hurts me sometimes. I forget that you know me so well. That you know me better than anyone else, that you know what I'm thinking or doing, but just know I am completely happy right now. I've never been this happy since the first day I met you and when we dated, but I am completely happy, free. I love…" There was a clunk and then the line went dead.

I sped to her house then not caring about stop lights and road rules. I reached her house in five minutes.

I ran to her door and turned the handle, the door went flying open. I ran straight to her room and into her bath room. I pulled her body out of the bath tub and ran to her bed. She was still breathing but barely. I pressed down on her arms to dry and stop the steady stream of blood flowing from her cuts.

I called for an ambulance and they were on their way. That's when I looked at her. She was covered in scars some just lines but most were words. _Yentl, Man Hands, RuPaul._ Every name that anyone has ever called her engraved onto her body. The one that caught my eye was just above her heart, _Hot American Jewish Princess._ The nickname I gave her.

"Why Babe, why would you do this?" I asked knowing that I wouldn't get a reply from her. "You have to be ok Rach because I… I love you too!" I told her while I was crying, my tears dripping down my face mixing with her blood. I heard the Ambulance arrive and the paramedics call out, I told them which room we were in and they came running up. They pushed me out of the way and began CPR. I backed into the bathroom in autopilot freaking out and found two letters, one wasn't addressed to anyone and the other was addressed to me. I stuffed them both into my pockets and walked out of the bathroom. The paramedics were loading Rachel onto a stretcher.

"We're taking her to the hospital son, do you want to ride with us?" The man asked, I nodded my head and followed them down to the ambulance. We arrived at the hospital in five minutes and Rachel was taken away to surgery, away from me.

I sat down in the plastic chairs and cried. I felt the letters in my pockets and opened my one and read it.

_Noah, I'm so incredibly sorry I didn't tell you any of this I was scared. This was the only thing I could control. Maybe one day you'll forgive me, but this is the only way for me. I haven't eaten in three months and when I did I would binge and purge, I thought maybe if I was skinny like Quinn you'd love me back. Yes I love you Noah. I always have but I knew you'd never like me so I didn't say anything. I'm sorry to leave you like this but know that this is the happiest I have been since that time I dated you and when we used to just hang out. I love you Noah Puckerman._

_P.S Please don't blame anyone, none of you had any idea._

A new stream of tears started, I got out my phone and opened my messages.

**TO: Chang; Sam; Mr Schue, Satan; Britt; Quinn; Mercedes; Finn; Kurt; Tina; Arite**

_**Get your asses to the hospital right now this is all of our faults!  
~Puck**_

It's been about an hour and a half since school ended and everyone would be doing their own thing or going home. I started to think back to the times with Rach. Back when Mike and I weren't bullied for being around Rach. We were best friends but as soon as high school started Rach told us we had to be secret friends so that we wouldn't get bullied like she does every day. We dated for three months but the school only saw a week of it and I got bullied and one slushie facial Rach wouldn't have it, we kept our relationship secret but broke apart so I could be there for Quinn and my baby. None of us were happy but high school sucks and it's never easy. So naturally I wasn't surprised when Mike showed up but I was surprised that he had Sam in tow.

"We were playing video games, what's going on Puck? Where's Rachel weren't you going to check on her?" Sam said with a smile.

"She… She…" I couldn't get the words out of my mouth it felt so wrong to say, 'oh Rach tried to kill herself. The doctor took her to surgery to try and save her.' No it would break Mike like I'm already broken.

"Puck is that blood on you?" Sam asked dumbly. I looked up at Mike and could see him putting the pieces together.

"Is that… Is it…?" Mike let his question trail off, I just nodded as my confirmation. He let out a broken sob and sat next to me, Sam looked confused but could tell that I wasn't going to explain anymore so just sat down as well.

Slowly the rest of the Glee club came piling in and stood around me, Mike and Sam. The all stood off in their little cliques and Mr Schue stood in the middle and finally realized that someone was missing.

"Guy's where is Rachel?" He asked.

There was a chorus of 'who cares', 'whatever', and 'like I know.' I started fuming and stood up kicking my chair. Mike and Sam stood up behind me, Sam looked a little scared but knew better than to say anything right now.

"If you're going to say shit like that or think that, get the fuck out right now!" I growled.

"Puck calm down, it's going to be ok. I promise." Mike said from behind me.

"You can't promise me that Mike, so don't even try!" I let the tears fall again.

"Puck what's going on?" Mr Schue asked and I couldn't answer. The nurse came out and called me over as she recognized me. I ran over with Mike right behind me.

"She had some water in her lungs. The cuts were severe and deep, we stitched them up and gave her a blood transfusion. She's in a coma in the intensive care ward recovering, she should wake up in a few days. She's allowed three visitors at once." She told me with a sad smile.

"Thank you so much." I said and we walked back over to the Glee club who stood a few feet behind us.

"Puck, happened?" Mr Schue asked and I lost it again. I was crying into my hands, I knew the doctors couldn't tell me much more as I wasn't family but I really needed to know. Mr Schue kept staring at me waiting for an answer.

"Like any of you fucking care!" I yelled. "I don't know why I got you all here." I grumbled.

"Puck we're all a family, we'll help you though whatever this is." Mr Schue tried to soothe me.

"Yeah except for Rachel who couldn't bring herself to be here, selfish much." Quinn muttered.

"Yeah great family you have here Schue. Have any of you wondered why we're in a hospital? Why I'm covered in blood that isn't my own? Or why Rachel isn't here? You idiots can't even put it together." I told them with a deathly tone.

"She was a sad unicorn." The last person I ever expected to get this was the only one who did. "She smiled but her eyes were always sad. She had scars and bruises that she always covered. I found her one day and she was crying and putting a band aid on her wrist. She told me 'not to worry, everything would be ok soon.' Puck is this what she meant by everything being ok?" Brittany asked with tears.

"Yeah Britt she did."

"But it's not ok Puck, it's not! We need her." Britt said breaking down. I pulled her into me.

"I know Britt, I know. I need her to be ok, Mike needs her. I love her, she loves me too but she's so scared and broken. She has to be ok!" I said breaking down with Britt on the ground. Mike came over and joined us hugging us.

"Puck can you please explain what has happened?" Mr Schue questioned with an annoyed tone.

"She's been depressed for a while now. I've noticed nut I didn't think it was this bad." I started never using Rachel's names, it'd make it all too real then. "She hasn't been eating either, I've kept an eye on her but the bullying from you all got too much. Today after she left the auditorium she drove home wrote two suicide notes and cut herself in the bath. She called me and told me stuff and then the line went dead. I would've talked her out of it had I answered my fucking phone. I sped to her house and barged in. I found her in the bath barely breathing she lost so much blood, it was everywhere. I cleaned her up and put her on the bed and held her cuts while I called an ambulance. She had so many old scars, words you've all said to her, names you've called her! She died when the ambulance came. I… I could've done something, I should've answered my mother fucking phone."

"Puck, you couldn't have done anything. You of all people know how stubborn Rach is when she's made her mind up about something. She probably knew you weren't going to answer your phone, she planned for you not to answer. She wanted to do this and she knew you could talk her out of it." Mike said as he held Britt. I sat down for a minute and looked up to see the glee club crying.


	3. Why am i still here?

**Hey hey everyone. I'm sorry it took me a while but here it is. Things are getting a bit hectic with school and stuff but I'm going to try and update at least one fortnight still. Make sure you review and let me know what you think. Love you guys KissesInTheDark95 xxx**

"_Puck, you couldn't have done anything. You of all people know how stubborn Rach is when she's made her mind up about something. She probably knew you weren't going to answer your phone, she planned for you not to answer. She wanted to do this and she knew you could talk her out of it." Mike said as he held Britt. I sat down for a minute and looked up to see the glee club crying._

"No! None of you get to cry! She's in here because of you? Quinn, you especially don't get to cry, so dry your fucking eyes ice-Queen." I said before storming off to Rachel's room. Once I found it I sat down in the chair beside her bed and cried. I took her hand in mine as I talked.

"I'm so sorry Rach. I should've noticed sooner. You pulled away from Mike and me and we should've known something was up then. I… I love you Rach. I need you to come back to me I can't lose you. You and I, we're end game no matter what anyone says, I'm never letting you go ever again." I laid my head on her chest and cried. I fell asleep like that.

I woke up in the middle of the day to someone's hand twitching in mine. At first I thought nothing of it, then I remembered the event of last night and bolted up right. "Rach! I know you're there! Come on babe open your eyes, everything will be fine if you open your eyes." I encouraged her.

The next thing I knew I was met by the most beautiful brown eyes, the ones I was scared I would never see again. She looked up at me and smiled ever so slightly and I captured her lips in a kiss that I never thought I'd get ever again.

"Never do that again! I swear I was a wreck." I said as I pulled her into a hug.

I'm… I'm not dead?" I looked at her and she cried.

"It's ok Rach, you're here with me we'll be ok." I whispered nothings to her as I held her. Eventually her tears stopped and her breathing evened out as she fell into a sleep. I sent out a text to the Glee Club.

_She woke up, only come if you care! ~Puck._

I lied her in her bed and walked around the room trying to calm down. She actually wanted to be dead right now. I was stuck in my thoughts that I didn't notice the whole Glee Club at the door.

"What are you all doing here? I thought I said only come if you care." I gritted out giving dirty looks to most of them.

"Puck chill out, we came to see her." Finn said stupidly.

"Do you think that's a good idea? Seriously?!" Mike said. We all stopped bickering when we heard moaning coming from the bed.

"Wh… Where am I?" She asked.

"Rachel, you're in the hospital." Mr Schue told her. Mike and I walked over to her and held her hands.

"Why?" She asked. I looked at her worried.

"Babe, do you know who I am?" I asked her.

"Yes, you're my Noah and Mike!" She said happily, the smile slowly faded as everything came back. "I don't want them here, Noah, please make them leave!" She begged. I gave them all a look and they left.

"I'm sorry I wasn't sooner Rach. I could've stopped this."

"I know Noah and it's not your fault, I wanted to." She said with a smile.

"Rach what happened? Why didn't you tell us?" Mike asked.

"I thought it wouldn't matter, that you guys wouldn't care." She whispered.

"Rach we will always care about you." Mike told her squeezing her hand.

"I'm sorry I couldn't take anymore. I…I just, there's so much. Everything they said added to the fact my fathers are always gone and told me they don't want me. I couldn't take anymore. Glee is horrible, they never stop! It's getting too hard and I… I thought you guys wouldn't care because everything they said was right." She cried and Mike held her as I went outside to have a little 'chat' to the Glee Club.

"Is she ok Puck?" Schue asked.

"No! Why would she be? She wakes up confused only to see people who pretend to care about her, staring at her. We're a family right Mr Schue? If we are a family Rachel must be the adopted child that no one likes 'cause she doesn't fit in. Don't you dare try and deny it, we all know I'm right. You don't say anything if one of them is bullying her but when Quinn gets bullied, holy shit things get real. Imagine how it feels to be an outcast, to be the butt of everyone's jokes and the only people who could help, you can't tell because you made a promise to protect their reputations, you didn't want to bring them down. _If_ I let any of you see her you better be fucking apologizing and I don't care if you think you've done nothing wrong, you have just by standing by and watching, laughing when she's hurt. Grow up!" I said as I walked back into Rachel's room.

**RACHEL'S P.O.V**

Noah left the room and I could hear him yelling.

"Rach, we aren't gonna hide anymore ok, we're friends, we'll protect you!" Mike said with a smile. "I'm so sorry Rach that we didn't notice this, please tell us next time." He begged. I just nodded.

To be honest I'm actually really disappointed that I'm still here. Everyone is going to see me as weak and it will give them more ammunition to taunt me with. I hate this! Why did I have to call Noah, what was I thinking! I was in though when Noah walked back in.

"Mike, can you give us a minute?" I asked and he left.

"What are you thinking Rach?" He asked when Mike left the room.

"That I'm a failure! Trying to figure out why I called you, why I didn't succeed?" I began crying. "I don't want to be here anymore Noah! I'm sick of it. All anyone does is tease me and put me down. They bully me Noah. I can't take it. No one wants me! My dad's left me! I can't take it anymore, I don't want to… no, I can't be here anymore!" I yelled with tears running down my face.

"Rachie, I want you! I need you! It doesn't matter if you didn't call me I was on my way anyways. I was so worried about you. I can't let you go again." Noah said nearly crying.

"How did you know?" I asked just above a whisper.

"I notice everything about you Rach. You changed! You wore too much makeup, your eyes were dull like there was nothing there, you clothes were baggy and so different, you stopped speaking to me and mike, all these little things added up and I realized you weren't you anymore, you were a shell. I care so much about you to ever give up on you." He told me so honestly.

"I'm sorry Noah. I needed someone and everyone, including myself, convinced me that I have no one. I should've known that I'd have you and Mike. I still don't want to be here but I know I have people who care, I love you." I whispered.

The Glee Cub walked in and I froze up I don't want them here. I don't want them around me. Noah let out a growl.


End file.
